Ken-25-2 - Page: 8 of 19

This is not a fable. It's a true story, and it happened to me this holiday season. Since Ken died I've had a huge problem with Christmas and decorating the tree. I tried to overcome my reluctance several years ago by getting a different tree and again using all of our old ornaments. Ken had decorated our Christmas trees every year since he was a very young child. When he died, any thoughts I ever had about a tree seemed to disappear. I just associated it with him so very much and never gave it any thought at all. I never even realized until recently, while going through some pictures of our first Christmas without our Ken, that we didn't even have a tree that first year. I was appalled to find that out! I have no memory of it at all. I suppose I just wanted to forget it completely. I don't really understand how I could not have put up a tree and decorated for Mac and Cam. That idea really seems so foreign to me now, but I obviously wasn't aware of much at that time. I just wanted to escape the pain of it all. Fortunately for me, I have a wonderful husband and daughter who cared enough about me to not pressure me and who loved and understood me, even when I didn't understand myself.

After last year, I knew I could not do it again. I could not get out that large tree and those ornaments of memory and live through that sadness and pain another season. When I packed everything away, I knew it would be a long time before I would see them again. So, this year, we got down a small tree that was in the attic. I had used it several times on the hearth in the family room and had lights on it. Well, this year, it was our main tree, and we had to put it on a box to make it large enough in front of the windows. I gathered together quite a few angel dolls and angel things, and then Mac put the lights on it and I added my things to its branches. It's sort of like Charlie Brown's tree, and somehow the uneven side got to the front. It's full of angels! A very sweet friend had sent an angel boy with "Ken" inscribed on the front of it, and I placed it right near the top and it just glows! Since it's in the family room, we can enjoy it so much more!

Yesterday, I was in our bedroom dusting and started to dust the photo that Mac has of me on his dresser. I turned on the light because I could feel something on the frame and couldn't see what it was. I couldn't believe what I saw! There, stuck in the corner of the frame, was a soft, white feather! An angel feather, for certain! I just got chills down my back and ran to ask Mac if he could have placed it there without my knowing about it. He was in awe of it also, and we both knew there was only one way that feather could have come into our lives the way it appeared. I know there are many who would be skeptical or who might wonder about my own sanity, but I believe it was placed there by our Ken. I believe Ken is letting me know that he's glad I've chosen to decorate our tree - my way, not his way - and not have one that brings me so much unhappiness. He loved Christmas so much! He always got so tickled when he finished our tree and would call for me to come and see it; I'd say, "Oh, Ken! It's the prettiest tree we've ever had!" Then he would laugh and say, "Mom, it's the same tree every year!"

So this year, it IS a different tree - in many, many ways. But you know what? I feel like once again I can say, "It's one of the prettiest trees we've ever had!" and feel a gentle smile in my heart.

Š12-13-03, Lynn McCurdy